Pissy Morning

Awoken by a call from my sister, I proceed to talk on the phone as my 5 year old, who cannot speak, pulls me by the hand and leads me to the restroom to start him a bath. This is a scenario we’ve done many times, so talking on the phone and completing it is like second nature.I run the water, help Eli remove his clothes and get him into the tub as I sit on the edge, still speaking on the phone, allowing him to enjoy his morning dip. Eli loves bubbles, so he grabs any soap, shampoo, conditioner within his reach and regularily begins to squeeze it in the hopes of creating them. This morning he reached for a bottle labeled body wash and squeezed, excitedly in an attempt to get as much out as possible before I noticed and snatched the bottle away. Unfortunately for me, as I continued to sit on the edge of the bathtub, with my back facing him, the excited squeeze created a waterfall starting at my midback and continuting down my torso before splashing into the tub. On my end, I felt a cold rush of watery goo and immediely informed my sister I had to go. I anxiously snatched the bottle away from him as the continuous flow landed all over my hands. The yellow tinted appearance in the water wasn’t surprising to me, afterall it was honey scented, yellow colored bathwash. It wasn’t until I made the mistake of smelling the remnants left on my hand that I noticed that bottle he grabbed wasn’t body wash at all. It was a completely full, refilled bottle of URINE!

I hollered, disgustedly, for my 17year old to assist with the clean up of Eli, who was still bathing in the urine tainted water. As I went  to investigate the crime at hand, I exited the restroom, angrily, suprisingly, franticially screaming, “Who the **** pissed in this bottle?!”, waving the now empty bottle in the air. I didn’t get far, when the stench of urine from the empty bottle and my soppy, dripping shirt reached my nose and I began to dry heave in the hallway. I had enough time to run to my bathroom, dispose of the bottle and jump in the shower without incident.

Upon gathering my composure, I immediately knew who the culprit was: Nathaniel! Afterall, he had been caught twice before urinating into empty bottles. The first time it happened, he was 5. We found a  urine filled water bottle under his bed, capped, waiting for the next midnight pee. He was afraid of the dark and came up with the idea of peeing in a bottle instead of entering the dark hallway to use the toilet. When we moved to our second home, last year, and we found the bottle “outhouse” again, he had used the same reasoning. He was afraid of the dark. But, why on Earth would he ever feel the need to take a wizz in an empty bottle while showering?! And leave the bottle there for unsuspecting bathers?! I do not know. I may never know. I can’t even began to contemplate how any parent would handle this problem. Times like this I feel at a loss. The only thing I can be certain of at this point is:I HAD A VERY PISSY MORNING!!!!!!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s